A year ago, I was sitting in this bedroom and I was calculating how many calories I should deprive my body of to be dead as soon as humanly possible. Writing that now makes me feel ashamed by it is the truth. I had hidden myself from everyone that loved me and lied continously about the food I was consuming and I thought I would doing it so well. But the truth is, everyone could see how sick I was getting. Looking at pictures, I still don’t see how emanciated I apparently was, but when people talk about it, you can see in their eyes that it was the truth.
My goal from my diagnosed anorexia was not to get to a perfect weight, but to be so sickly thin that it would kill me. I didn’t care how I looked, I felt pretty good I thought when thinking back to it now, I was a robot. I felt nothing, I hid away and I wasted every day, with numbers of calories being the only thing that consumed my every thought. I didn’t care about my family, I didn’t care about my son, I just wanted to die and torture my body as slow and as painfully as I could.
Anorexia does take all of the bad feelings away, I know I didn’t cry for a long time before I got help, but it also takes all of the good feelings life gives you. I didn’t smile, I didn’t laugh, I just honestly did not feel a thing. Some people may say how great that must have been, but it wasn’t. I was so numb, that I couldn’t imagine ever actually feeling again.
Thankfully, I was taken to Emergency by my psychologist and forcefully admitted into hospital. My parents knew that I was going to be admitted, but I wasn’t told a thing and I am so happy now that I had no idea, because I know I would have done something stupid to make sure that didn’t happen. I didn’t want to lose ‘Ana’, I felt like that was all I had. I felt like I was so strong and worthy because I could starve my body for such long periods of time. But I know now it is all a lie.
I wasn’t strong, I was weak and had completely given up and my brain was so under nourished, that I couldn’t see what damage I was doing to myself, and to everyone around me.
It has been a year. I still struggle every day, but I thank everyone that loved me and supported me through the hardest times because I can now feel. I can read a book and actually feel something whilst doing so. I can look at my son and be over taken completely by my love for him. I can hear a song and smile. I can laugh genuinely. I can kiss my girlfriend and feel desire and love and hope and feel my craving for our future together. I can hug my Mum and feel the warmth. I can go to DBT and feel proud when I understand what I am learning.
There are so many things that I can enjoy now that I am not hurting myself. It is hard to want to let go of sometimes, but life should be more than just strolling through, unexcited and unenthused. We should feel all of the emotions we can because even when we ache with sadness and anxiety and anger, there is still a whole spectrum of wholesome and amazing emotions we can also experience. We have to take the good and the bad as a whole, but it is worth it.
If you are struggling, know that it does genuinely get easier. The emptiness isn’t worth it, life has so much to offer to you and you just can’t see it yet. But I promise, one day you will wake up and you will feel strong and brave and ready. But until then, fight like hell. Eat food when you are hungry, see friends even when you don’t want to, tell people how you genuinely feel, don’t isolate yourself.
We have one life, so why do we feel such a need to not actually experience it? Eating disorders give you one thing, hell. They take all of the good away and turn you into an emotionless skeleton and it’s such a disappointment because why do we try to run away from all of the good things when we haven’t yet had the opportunity to experience them yet. We are humans and we should be living this life. Every single person on this planet deserves that chance, even if they don’t believe it.
We were all given one body, just one. Why do we feel the need to destroy it and loathe it so much? We fast, and binge, and purge, and cut. We are cursed with mental illnesses that make us hate our brains and our bodies and some of us are unable to fight the darkness deep inside of us.
But now it’s time.
It’s time to tell yourself, “I deserve better.”
Because we all do. We deserve a future, full of love, and family, and friends, and dreams and goals. There is so much positivity we can fill our lives up with. The more we allow the good things into our lives and the more we tell ourselves that our life can be fuller, the more we can slowly push all of that self hate and anger outwards to make more room for good days.
I know it is difficult, and I know that sometimes you feel like you can’t take anymore. But I promise you, the more you fight, the stronger you will become. It is possible. It is exhausting and a rollercoaster of emotions, but I promise you it is possible. You dont have to do it alone, I am here, and many other people are here for you too.
So when it gets too difficult, reach out for help, because you deserve a much fuller life. Just remember, please don’t stop fighting, because one day it will all be worth the pain, and tears.
If you need to talk, I’ll listen.