My name is Jes (100mugsofcoffee.tumblr.com) and I am in recovery for anorexia. This blog is a way to spread awareness for my project, No More Silence - The Book.
I am wanting to get together as many different stories I can about people’s personal struggles with their eating disorders and giving people a glimpse into their lives. I want this book to be as open and honest as possible, so that people may get the chance to truly understand how diverse eating disorders really are.
If you are a writer, or you have written something about your eating disorder, please contact me. You can be anonymous or not, it is completely up to you.
Write about your struggles, when your eating disorder started, what you have/were diagnosed with, how it affected you and everyone else in your life and where you are currently (recovery or relapse). I want the stories to be between 500-1000 words, no more than that since I am wanting to get together as many stories as I possibly can.
If you are interested, please either message me here in my inbox or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.
I will be doing fundraising, but first I need enough stories to get people interested in the book.
I really hope I can do this, but I can’t without the stories. They are the most important things. People need to understand better, so this is a way to raise awareness and get your story out there.
Please let people know and get my idea out there, the more people that know and want to contribute, the bigger chance I have of actually achieving the goal. So please feel free to reblog this post or make a post of your own, letting people know what I am wanting to do and let me know.
Also, feel free to follow this Tumblr, I will be giving updates along the way.
Love you all.
A year ago, I was sitting in this bedroom and I was calculating how many calories I should deprive my body of to be dead as soon as humanly possible. Writing that now makes me feel ashamed by it is the truth. I had hidden myself from everyone that loved me and lied continously about the food I was consuming and I thought I would doing it so well. But the truth is, everyone could see how sick I was getting. Looking at pictures, I still don’t see how emanciated I apparently was, but when people talk about it, you can see in their eyes that it was the truth.
My goal from my diagnosed anorexia was not to get to a perfect weight, but to be so sickly thin that it would kill me. I didn’t care how I looked, I felt pretty good I thought when thinking back to it now, I was a robot. I felt nothing, I hid away and I wasted every day, with numbers of calories being the only thing that consumed my every thought. I didn’t care about my family, I didn’t care about my son, I just wanted to die and torture my body as slow and as painfully as I could.
Anorexia does take all of the bad feelings away, I know I didn’t cry for a long time before I got help, but it also takes all of the good feelings life gives you. I didn’t smile, I didn’t laugh, I just honestly did not feel a thing. Some people may say how great that must have been, but it wasn’t. I was so numb, that I couldn’t imagine ever actually feeling again.
Thankfully, I was taken to Emergency by my psychologist and forcefully admitted into hospital. My parents knew that I was going to be admitted, but I wasn’t told a thing and I am so happy now that I had no idea, because I know I would have done something stupid to make sure that didn’t happen. I didn’t want to lose ‘Ana’, I felt like that was all I had. I felt like I was so strong and worthy because I could starve my body for such long periods of time. But I know now it is all a lie.
I wasn’t strong, I was weak and had completely given up and my brain was so under nourished, that I couldn’t see what damage I was doing to myself, and to everyone around me.
It has been a year. I still struggle every day, but I thank everyone that loved me and supported me through the hardest times because I can now feel. I can read a book and actually feel something whilst doing so. I can look at my son and be over taken completely by my love for him. I can hear a song and smile. I can laugh genuinely. I can kiss my girlfriend and feel desire and love and hope and feel my craving for our future together. I can hug my Mum and feel the warmth. I can go to DBT and feel proud when I understand what I am learning.
There are so many things that I can enjoy now that I am not hurting myself. It is hard to want to let go of sometimes, but life should be more than just strolling through, unexcited and unenthused. We should feel all of the emotions we can because even when we ache with sadness and anxiety and anger, there is still a whole spectrum of wholesome and amazing emotions we can also experience. We have to take the good and the bad as a whole, but it is worth it.
If you are struggling, know that it does genuinely get easier. The emptiness isn’t worth it, life has so much to offer to you and you just can’t see it yet. But I promise, one day you will wake up and you will feel strong and brave and ready. But until then, fight like hell. Eat food when you are hungry, see friends even when you don’t want to, tell people how you genuinely feel, don’t isolate yourself.
We have one life, so why do we feel such a need to not actually experience it? Eating disorders give you one thing, hell. They take all of the good away and turn you into an emotionless skeleton and it’s such a disappointment because why do we try to run away from all of the good things when we haven’t yet had the opportunity to experience them yet. We are humans and we should be living this life. Every single person on this planet deserves that chance, even if they don’t believe it.